The Cuckoo Mama

A good friend recently shared with me that, after parting ways, her ex had signed up to a series of webinars entitled “White Tantra: The science of Kundalini”. Wow, I thought, this sounds right up my street, pray tell me, what is this show about white tarantulas and the Kundalini moonstone? It sounds epic, perhaps a rival to that Game of Thrones show I so enjoy, you know, full of intrigue and action with a dose of that sort of, kind of, a little bit of old fashioned science-fiction thrown in. How do I sign up and when can I start watching?

However, my friend was quick to point out that, contrary to my popular belief, it’s not the latest fantasy drama to hit our big screens but actually refers to (and I’m blushing here slightly) tantric sex!

Ooh err! As they say! Doesn’t that chappie Sting do a spot of that?

Well, being the modern, and open minded, mama I am, I decided to perform a good ole google search to see just what the heck this tarantula sexy time malarkey was all about. I’m now genuinely terrified what adverts will pop up, based on my browsing history, but can officially report back that after extensive research (just the reading variety thank you very much!) there’s actually a lot more to it than simply fornicating to Fields of Gold and diving under the duvet…

In fact, according to my investigations, we should be avoiding the sheets altogether. Well, ain’t that just wild?

Tantra is, or so google tells me, a Sanskrit word meaning “woven together”, and the practice is an ancient Hindu “art-form” which aims to worship the divine female and raise Kundalini energy. However, despite this somewhat mystifying description, it’s apparently a lot easier than we think, which is good to know because, to be honest, it kind of lost me there for a little while.

Now, google might be trying to convince me that it’s easy but, I’m going to go out on a limb here, and hazard a guess that it’ll definitely be far more difficult than completing the Roxanne drinking game. One article has, however, very helpfully complied a list as to how I can get me started on this otherworldly experience. In just five quick steps! Hurrah! Let’s give it a whirl!

Firstly, before doing anything, I need to relax, you know, loosen myself up a bit, unwind and have a glass, or two, of wine. Okay, it doesn’t specifically mention wine but it does tell me to “find what works for me”. Wine it is then. Secondly, to “keep it interesting” I’m advised to stay off the bed and thirdly, make myself comfortable, queue line in my brain “Shall I slip in to something a little more comfortable darling?” I can totally manage this right?! Apparently, all being well, if things go to plan with this tantra matter then I’m going to be there for quite some time don’t y’all know. Finally it’s all about eye contact and breath.

Easy enough hey? Relax, please keep off the bed, get comfy, look in to the eyes, not around the eyes, and breathe. What’s so difficult about that then? Plus, Sting is way older than me, surely I can manage this if he can, oh and Tom Hanks too, apparently, which, if I’m being completely honest, really weirds me out. I’m not sure I’ll be able to look at him the same way again.

However, although this sounds relatively simple, in theory, I think I might have a few issues.

What’s that? Stay off the bed you say? All I can think is that these people obviously don’t have a dog. I mean, I can’t even do a yoga DVD without the hound coming in to see what all the fuss is about and trying to join in. Suddenly, something tells me that, this whole no bed rule just might not work. Let’s think about it, I’m basically going to be sozzled (aka relaxed), lying on the floor with a large dog staring at me, disconcertingly, whilst licking up crumbs around my crumpled form. And I’m definitely not going to be feeling comfortable because the only room in our house with a carpet belongs to the toddler and I’m not even going to go there.

Well, actually, I am.

From what I’ve read, the “deed”, can last for up to five hours and beyond. Five hours? And beyond? I’m going to say it again, five hours? So, not only do these people not have a dog but they definitely don’t have a toddler either! Do you not know what I could do with five hours if I ever had the chance to have five hours to myself? I’d be glad for a hot drink, a sit down, a pee on my own, hell, I might even get chance to fold the laundry that’s taking over my house and, in a dream world, I’d have a facial. I can tell you now, if I had five hours to spare (FIVE HOURS!) it most definitely wouldn’t involve staring wide-eyed at another human whilst contorting on a cold, dog haired, splintery wooden floor with an empty bottle of wine littering the joint next to me, a rubbernecking dog and a heavy breather.

Not on your nelly.

Hmmmm, so on reflection I think I’ve gotta say that this whole tantra malarkey really doesn’t sound like it’s my cup of tea. As far as I’m concerned Gordo and Tom can keep that one (Tom Hanks, seriously?!) However, I am thinking that there’s definitely scope for me to start penning the next big thing on TV – White Tarantula: Tales from the Kundalini moonstone. Who’s with me on making it a hit?