The Cuckoo Mama

Well it’s the bank holiday! Hurrah! Three whole days of family time, sunshine and, for us, a stripper…

Oh yes! We’re doing what any self-respecting bank holiday Brit does on these long weekends and, yes, you guessed it, decorating. That’s what they’re officially for right?

I’m not entirely sure whose idea it was. I’m not even entirely sure whether it’s a good idea, or not, but I do know that there’s now no turning back as, last night, I got a little over excited, started tearing at bits of wallpaper and used sheer brute force to actually rip off some sort of wooden edging, who knew I was even that strong? As that small but wise chap, Frodo, would say; “There are some things that time cannot mend”. So bedecking it is then.

Now, I like to think we’re pretty good at decorating but, like any normal human beings, we’re not without a couple of minor mishaps. Well, one big one really involving patterned wallpaper rolling down the walls as I shouted at hubby “Just stand there, stand there and hold it up, it’ll dry in 45 minutes” until we finally admitted defeat and arrived at Robert Dyas covered in wallpaper paste to buy tins of paint. I mean, seriously, who knew batch numbers needed to match, or even existed for that matter? And why on earth would a paste table be required when surely you can just whack a load of gloop on the wall? That’s what those billboard folks do, I’ve seen them with my own eyes. I, partly, blame the internet for this DIY calamity though, upon googling “How to wallpaper” we were faced with the opening line of “Anyone can wallpaper, all it takes it patience and common sense”. Hmmm, upon reflection perhaps we should have known we were doomed from the start.

So, we’ve hired this stripper, we’re going to get all hot and steamy together in the spare room for three days, goodness, this is starting to sound a bit like my last post, and we’re going to achieve great do it yourself things. Huzzah!

What could possibly go wrong?

So what I’ve never stripped (make of that what you will!) I kind of feel I’m going to be a bit of a pro. And who even really needs an extra day when they’re as good as I’m going to be at all of it? We certainly won’t! I think I know how this is going to play out, we’ve all seen those scenes in movies…

In my head we’re going to be there with our dungarees and step ladders, paint on our cute button noses having a swell ole time. And it’s all going to end up looking really good, like seriously, professionally good. It’s going to be great. Hell, we’re going to be great.

I’m trying not think about the reality. There’s going to be some sort of falling out isn’t there? Plus, one of us is definitely going to end up somewhat disappointed as we have grossly differing expectations of what we want to achieve. I believe we’ll complete the stripping, polyfill, sugar soap and sand, paint the walls plus get the floorboards painted too, allowing us to fully maximise that extra day and start on the next room. Or have a rest. Hubby however thinks we’ll be lucky to finish the stripping. Hmmm, there’s a pretty big anomaly in milestones here. Something tells me someone’s not going to be too pleased when he has to work at 3am on Monday morning because we’re behind my schedule.

We’ve also never attempted to decorate with a toddler. Or a dog.

Wish us luck. And in case of emergency, please send wine.